INSANITY PART 2–ADDICTED TO LOVE-DRAMA

I AM INSANE.  And there is more. I am insane because I keep looking for Love. Thinking “finding love” will make me feel happy…that it will help me calm down and I will finally like my present moments, that I will finally like Life and stop feeling I need to strive so much, to get somewhere else than right here. The problem is, I can’t seem to find Love. It must be out there in the future because I couldn’t really find it in my past and I don’t have it now…again I am unhappy. Yet I think I am having an epiphany. I have wondered about this for some time—why is it so difficult to find love? 🙂 I have a belief that LOVE is a very precious feeling and emotion between people and that it makes Life fulfilling. Don’t we all say it is the ultimate priceless gift in life? Yet I can’t help but wonder what exactly is it we are looking for in Love. I am beginning to realize that I don’t think it is LOVE. We all completely misunderstand what LOVE is and thus are looking for the wrong thing…and of course we’re unhappy. Ok, I’ll just speak for myself.

I have had the crazy idea that LOVE is something I give and get from someone. It may have taken me awhile, years, but I realize now that That’s not LOVE. It is just dysfunctional relating—a tug o war of emotion trying to control another person…look how much pain and struggle between us love seems to cause, how much we argue for the other to ‘”Love” us the way they should. I have thought that “Love” is supposed to be all yummy and make me feel good and safe and make life easy…and fill my heart with happiness…if I can just find the right people to love and love me. I have worked so hard on “unconditional love”, meaning letting someone be the jerk they are to me and just settle because there may be nothing better. And of course thinking like this there won’t be. But, I think I get it now. What we think of as Love is not LOVE…at all.

LOVE is not the answer to my pain and meant to make me happy. It is not what someone else (even God, even our mother, even our partner) should give me so I can feel good about myself and my life, so I can feel safe. What we call Love is a dynamic of interactions between people that we use to try to control each other to get what we want. That is not LOVE. And LOVE is not something I need to find or wait for. LOVE is right in front of me. I just don’t see it because I misunderstand what LOVE is. LOVE is not an expression between two people. Rather, LOVE is LIFE’s expression…that is all. LOVE is the good and the bad of LIFE. LOVE is living the good and bad of LIFE…meaning doing our best to be in flow with LIFE rather than resisting it and trying to control it all the time. LOVE is accepting how others are and letting them be that way. LOVE is standing in Nature and feeling it flow through our body. LOVE is accepting LIFE and letting it be that way. Now, I have to admit, that sounds so unappetizing, so unexciting, so disappointing. Yet it is LOVE none-the-less. But if I accept this, then how I am supposed to get what I want in life? If I accept this then what is my purpose in life?

Well, I think I am sobering up, beginning to detox from my insanity, from my addiction to the adrenalin of drama…drama that which I learned to think was important because it is the core expression of my patriarchal values—the core belief which is control: of others, of the planet, of life. Awakening to these ideas, I am beginning to realize that I have to give up my dreams because most of them have come out of this attachment to a belief that “happiness and fulfillment in Life come from what I achieve and who loves me and how they love me–see me, treat me.” That my purpose and who I am comes from how others see me and accept me or not. So I find myself in a dilemma. I realize that the reason I have to give up my goals and “search for love” is because if I keep pursuing them I keep myself unhappy in this moment. Yet giving this up is soooo disappointing because it was such a good adrenalin-high for so long—the ultimate drug. Yet I am beginning to get bored with all this drama and want to see if there is some other better feeling way to live.

Perhaps, I am beginning to stumble on some truth here. I have already experienced that goals and dreams don’t really make me happy, and I am starting to get bored with always feeling unhappy, and so I am beginning to realize that they can’t make me happy because I keep experiencing life through my state of mind which right now believes life is unhappy. So achieving goals or not, I will be unhappy because my mind wants more…it is only happy to the extent it can be when I have a goal on my horizon. Yet what I am discovering is true happiness is a Vibe of Being. To best explain it, I think that the Vibe of Being, is the flow of energy through my body that feels good, feels light, at ease, yummy. And it makes you feel inspired, creative and that right there is evidence that you are tapped into the spiritual realm, that from which we all and Earth were created, some call it God. And that feeling of connection is peace, is happiness. Our patriarchal values thrive on just the opposite by keeping us disconnected from this realm, by keeping us disconnected from our body and thus unaware of this vibe. We can only find happiness when we take the time to feel into our body and help open its channels to the Vibe of Creation, The Vibe of LOVE. This then allows the present moment to come alive and now it becomes so much more interesting, engaging because what is so exciting about it is that all kinds of things can happen. This has always been the case but instead of staying open to the excitement of possibility we shut that down by deciding we need to control what happens, control the outcomes of life…and this is just unhappiness itself, this is what creates drama and in the end is what is so unappetizing, boring and disappointing. Who knows what can happen? And if we choose to keep focusing on what we lack and to feel unhappy about that, we most definitely will miss the cool stuff of this present moment.

At least is it new and fresh, not a boring “been there, done that.” And if I am not vibing that creativity now, vibing happiness right now, then I won’t be vibing it in the future because NOW IS ALL THERE IS. Hmm. Maybe I am beginning to become sane. What really is LIFE and LOVE?

So what is the formula to happiness? Maybe to just give up thinking we can be happy. That’s not really good enough for me. So, perhaps figuring this out begins with first making sure I really understand what happiness is. I am pretty sure that just like I misunderstand LOVE, I misunderstand happiness. I need to rethink what I have believed my whole life and create a new perspective of my journey in it. I say I want ease and peace, yet I am still struggling. So what do I really want? Struggle or ease? I am beginning to realize it is that simple…yet I am also realizing it is not easy. Because as soon as I answer that…of course I want ease…I realize I am uneasy…my mind constantly jumping in and telling me that this moment is not really that great because I don’t have all I want.Right this moment I am anxious because I am thinking about all I want to get done today. I gotta get moving here and stop writing. I AM INSANE!!!!

Perhaps I can find some ease in just accepting that I am insane, perhaps not. Finding self-compassion for how hard life is and for how miserable I am because I can’t control it may make this moment a bit calmer, maybe not. Empathizing with others helping me feel not so alone in my struggles may make this moment more peaceful, maybe not. At any rate THIS is LIFE, THIS is LOVE. What am I going to do, keep fighting it, keep resisting it by trying to control it and think I am going to be happy? That’s insane. 

I hate to point it out to myself because I am pretty disappointed…but THIS IS IT. THIS MOMENT OF LIFE RIGHT NOW IS ALL THERE IS. Am I happy or unhappy…that is all there is. And to disappoint myself a bit more, this present moment is the same as all the other moments I have had and most likely will have…because I am in all these present moments and so is my frame of mind–the one where I keep wanting life to be better. Ok, so I get that my mind creates all my struggle…so now what do I do? 

You have to admit that we do seem to keep creating the same issues over and over in our lives…what’s the definition of insanity? What can I do… perhaps if I can change my state of mind, the present moments will change…what happens in them may not, but my experience of what is happening and my attitude, whether I am happy or unhappy, might. That is the only chance I have of experiencing life differently than I am experiencing life right now. I either change right now and therefore my next moment has a chance of being better, or I don’t. That’s all there is. And having that said their is no guarantee it will be better. In the end, I realize that it is not really what is happening or not happening that makes me happy or unhappy. What makes me happy is simply whether I accept or resist what is happening,  and moreso, whether I have faith that I am ok–though things feel hard I have what it takes to get through it and be kind in the process. That thought always makes me feel better, lighter. Maybe I just have too much expectation about what LIFE is and am greedy that I should get something from it. 

So where am I in all this? I think I am beginning to realize that LIFE owes me nothing. That I thought it did is just an arrogant, egoistic mindset…one most of us have. Rather I am finally awakening from this delusion and understanding that I am here not so much to be happy but rather to experience LIFE. So now I get to decide how I want to experience it. Stressed out in ego and drama or calm in heart and kindness. Obviously I found some value in drama because I have been so dramatic most of my life, so dissatisfied with who I am and striving to be more…whatever that means. But now I feel so tired of it all and actually bored. All my drama, all other people’s drama, is becoming so dissatisfying and uninteresting…I hope this is a good sign. We take life so seriously making everything so “meaningful” and yet when we can stand outside of it and look at ourselves, we usually look pretty insane, pretty ugly for all the hoopla we are creating…yelling, crying, complaining, trying to control someone, walking around stressed. We can see the toll it is taking on our face, and especially in our Vibe. Perhaps I am getting to a point to where I am pretty much done with all that. That would be nice. Because I really do love a beautiful sunset and I don’t want to miss that anymore.

So, I guess I am coming to a conclusion. If I want calm and kindness in my life, then I need to change how I respond to things…what I think, do and say. I need to be calm and kind. Yet I realize that how I think drives what I do so I think I need to figure out how to  to change how I think. But there’s a problem…and yet I see it. I know that if I try to change my mind about how I see things and what I believe, I’ll go more insane. My Ego is just so strong and will probably drive me crazy and I’ll get really confused as I try to sift out what are better beliefs and better things I should do. Yet again, I think I have had an epiphany.  I think I might have a good process to tackle this. If I focus on two things right now in this moment: 1. stop the drama, and 2. center into my body. And actually, centering into my body will help stop the drama. If I focus on centering in my body, aligning it in good posture and taking a good deep breath, I become more mentally and emotionally centered, balanced. I become more aware and present and realize how I was just about to create a drama-fest by my negative thoughts and emotions about something that is just “so important”…only to find out once I calm down that wasn’t important at all. Standing tall and opening my heart right now I have access to a smile, and smiling changes my vibe and I now have access to a kind gesture, and now, a better thought and a more positive emotion. This present moment has become not so bad. I am less insane. Ya think?

Quite simply,  I don’t think it is as powerful to try to change how we think but rather change our being, stop slouching. And this will send goodvibesgodvibes through us and we change our behavior. This changes our life. This changes me. And that is all there is. If I want a more calm and happy life, then I need a more calm and happy me and then I need to create more we want to calm and kindness in my life, especially when I am alone. Being and Behaving this way will change my thoughts, my emotions, my beliefs, will change by Being and Behaving and now I am in a Happy Cycle of Life.

So there is hope after all. Opps, there I go again…thinking and wishing the future will be better–HOPING. That is it, right there, how I keep running away from this moment. There it is, my addiction to suffering–deciding to be stressed and unhappy right now rather than relaxed, trusting and at ease. Hmmm. So curious. I am not sure how to do this, how to live. Yet I did just catch this insane dynamic in myself. So I will just sit here, in good posture, breathing deeply, smiling big, and letting myself feel…at least for just this moment. I admit it’s not that exciting and I still don’t have all I want yet I am a bit calmer, I am ok with that at least for this moment and I admit it does kinda feel better. And that’s a good thing.  

LIFE IS INSANE…insanely remarkable if you can start to play with it.

Letting go of drama and smiling at someone…is that really going to do it for me, bring me happiness? I am supposed to do more powerful things than this. Guess we’ll see if I can find happiness in the small things…right now that doesn’t feel promising and I feel unhappy.

LOVE is LIFE, that is all.

Think of how much LIFE we have missed by doubting our Soul’s plans. Think of how much LOVE we have missed by thinking we know better than the Universe about how to LIVE LIFE. How arrogant. How insane.

We have missed so much “present moment living” because we continue to focus on the future–“when blah, blah, blah happens then I’ll be happy. When I finally do blah, blah, blah, then I’ll finally be good enough.” We hate the present moment, it just is not good enough, ever…even when we are in a bubble bath…because we are addicted to the “drama of life.” Our mind incessantly makes up things that are not good enough about this moment because this keeps the slow drip of delusion flowing through our awareness and feeding our addiction…it keeps us believing we can control the future, control goals, control our life. How arrogant to think we can. This is so painful because we can’t…and in fact the future goals don’t even matter. We are insane.

We actually hate the present moment because it is just too peaceful, too boring…no drama here. If we decide to love the present moment, it means we have to give up our addiction to suffering. And that is just so hard to comprehend because “the present moment is so boring, it is not exciting at all,” says our dysfunctional mind. And maybe the present moment is just too beautiful, too sacred, for us to handle because we are addicted to believing we don’t deserve Heaven. Whatever the issue, the bottom line is we keep running away from the most sacred experience of life…The NOW. We are insane.

We value STRUGGLE more than EASE. How can I say that…that doesn’t make sense. Yet, this truth is right in front of our face. Just look at the evidence we experience each and every day. We resist being in the present moment every moment of our lives…our body is HERE yet our consciousness is elsewhere…projecting the past into our future. The tension we create between our body and our mind is drama, suffering. We obviously like it that way. We are insane.

Curious to know if we will ever wake up to the meaning of LIFE and recover from our drama-addiction. And it is curious to see if we need to start to recover before we wake up or we need to figure out how to wake up so we can recover–circles of life. I believe this is the only “free will” we truly have–to choose to be addicted or not. And the only solution is a spiritual practice…connection with God The Universe (Whatever, Whoever that is for each of us.).

The only thing that matters is the here and now…and when we sit here in stillness, our Ego just goes insane–“are you kidding, this is it, this is all there is, how can you possibly want to sit still for this boring stillness????”

We are insane because we are egoistic. We are insane because we are disconnected from our True Self…we are unaware of the spiritual vibrations that run through us and therefore we feel alone. Feeling alone we become Ego or I-centric–it’s all about me, I have to do it all on my own, I am the only important person in the world, I have to prove myself, I have to survive. Though is it important to have strong self-esteem and goals in life, in our capitalistic culture we take this to a very unhealthy extreme…into Ego. ME, me, me, me, ME. We become solely focused on our personal survival, to the expense of others and the Earth. Our survival depends upon what we have in comparison to others. We become solely focused on how important we are, always comparing ourselves to what others have accomplished, how much money they have, how much they own. We become solely focused on how much we are loved always desperately seeking love from others to determine our self-worth. THIS IS INSANITY…and insanity is nothing more than choosing to live in pain. What is even more insane is we complain about how much pain we are in which only makes the pain deeper. Now what we need to understand is that it is fine if we want to live in this delusion of life, live in incessant confusion and pain. But let’s not be weak about it. At least be of integrity and own it. If you want to live in pain, then do it. Don’t complain about it. Enjoy it. Embellish it. Yet if you don’t want to, then make a different choice. But you can’t have both, complain about how much pain you are in and continue to be in pain. This is the core of your insanity.

Can we awaken to how insane we are? Actually it is questionable. Our Ego is incredibly strong and does a great job to keep us “livin’ the dream.” And it is such a miserable dream…no matter how it turns out we are so unhappy…and we are so unhappy because no matter what goals we achieve we always feel alone. It is so hard to awaken because we live inside a delusion that we all collude believing in. So to wake up from it is scary because you may be alone…most likely you are until others choose to awake. And there it is. The Truth is it is our choice. No one and nothing are making us do this. We just keep choosing the pain over and over…choosing to value the Drama, the feeling of disconnect, over LOVE, the feeling of connection. We choose struggle over ease. Why in God’s name do we do this? Simply because it is what we believe…and that is all.

The Truth is that we live a much happier and healthier life when we are spiritually grounded. We are learning that when we are conscious of our inner spirit, our True Self, we feel connected. Feeling connected, we feel good, think more positively, behave more respectfully and with kindness…we are also much more intelligent. You could say we are much more heartfelt. We feel peaceful and calm and have no need to control anyone or anything. We stop judging others and wishing they were different. We stop wishing life were different. We begin to accept things and feel more patient. We begin to see life not as a hard challenge but as a Great Adventure. We begin to forgive people and feel more at ease. We begin to forgive our self and feel more at ease. Our grudges and grievances become much less. We are our BEST SELF. We begin to feel happier.

We are beginning to realize how much of our life we have spent caught in our own trap of unhappiness–a downward, negative spiral. We are learning when we are stuck in our egoistic self, we are our worst self and can feel it, physically, mentally, emotionally…pretty miserable. We are becoming aware of how powerful and cunning our Ego is and how much we let it rule our lives–compelling us to always be “doing” and thus distracted from our sacred “being.” WE ARE BEGINNING TO REALIZE HOW INSANE WE ARE. Continue to slouch or stand tall? It’s up to you.

W are so tired now…having been insane for so long, having been pursuing the “goal” for so long and getting nowhere. Thinking it will finally make us happy, feel peaceful and safe. This is our major delusion and yet this will be difficult to change. We believe in it so much. And our beliefs are a part of our DNA, biologically passed onto us through generations. However, we are beginning to wake up, in bits and pieces. We are gaining the power, courage and knowhow and we are ready. We will falter a lot and yet if we accept and expect this, then instead of instantaneously judging ourselves, as our Ego loves us to do, we need to find self-compassion…and simply get back on the path. Our trap is the negative spiral we often get stuck in–negative emotions, negative thoughts, negative behaviors, negative emotions and so on–and so we need to create a way to break the cycle. Many suggest that we can break this negative cycle by changing how we think and thinking more positively–focusing our attention on spiritual things, on good intentions. It doesn’t work. Our thoughts are too fleeting…and conditioned to focus on egoistic beliefs. Our Ego is too strong…even when we change our mind it’s just for a moment because our Ego quickly changes it back to what we have known for so long, to what we are conditioned/brainwashed to believe. Science tells us some remarkable stats–that we have over 60,000 thoughts a day and over 98% of them are repeats–and most especially these thoughts are of our past and pretty much all are negative. And these negative thoughts generate negative emotions–even though it was an experience of the past we are reliving it emotionally right now and so our negativity just cycles round and round. Yet we can change this. Continue to slouch and be closed off or stand tall and open up? It’s up to you.

Some would say go to therapy. Yet it is becoming clear that trying to use our mind to change our mind hoping we this will change our lives does not work. And it would seem that the more we took about our troubles, the more we keep reactivating our pain rather than moving through it. And there it is–we have discovered our “great aha.” The only way we can interrupt our negative, egoistic cycle and thus create an opening to new ideas and thoughts is to connect our consciousness to the Sacred…not the past. And the only real way to do that is to create a new experience of ourselves, to create a conscious connection with our body–our body is the manifested of the mystical, magical, realm of Creation–Spirit made manifest. Paying attention to it, and helping it find ease, helping it relax so it expands and energy flows more freely, you feel the yummy sensation of goodvibesgodvibes flow through you, you feel content, you feel safe, you feel happy. And then the magic happens…you feel LOVE and your mind opens and your consciousness expands and you become creative. You not only come up with great ideas to solve problems, but you especially have great ideas that create BEAUTY–the greatest joy of a woman’s life. Continue to slouch or stand tall…slouch and close down your good vibes and feel cranky and be narrow-minded. Or stand tall and open up your goodvibes and realize they are godvibes and be open-hearted. Choose to embody yourself or not. It’s up to you.

Conditioning to Positive Thinking–It is not done by the mind

Continue to be a Wounded Woman or TRANSFORM INTO YOUR SOVEREIGN SELF. IT’S UP TO YOU. It’s up to you. You cannot wish life were easier and happier and yet still allow yourself to crank and complain. You cannot say you want others to respect you and to be recognized as a powerful, confident, sovereign woman and behave like a wounded child. You cannot say you feel men don’t see and acknowledge your beauty and intelligence when you behave like an insecure flirt or dominating bitch. You have to decide what you want. Do you want to be happier and more empowered? Or do you want to stay stuck in the pain of your past, the fear of the future, and completely disconnected from the NOW–do you want to continue to be the victim of the life story you have created and keep creating or do you want to be the Sovereign of the life you were created for? Before you decide, realize that there is no “in-between” place–you cannot have it both ways. You cannot say “yes I want to be at peace and empowered and still walk around telling the world of your sad past”–looking for sympathy and acknowledgment for how hard your life has been. It is time to move on. Remember, LOVE is not dramatic, and so on. The Divine Feminine can empathize with the pain and yet She holds it in her sacred heart and it dissolves within seconds. She knows that there is no need and in fact it is counter-productive to dwell in this negativity. Continue to slouch or stand tall? It’s up to you.

It is hard to keep our mind focused on the positive all the time, yet if we help condition our body to align in good posture, we will shift our mental and emotional disposition. We are conditioning ourselves to hold the disposition of the Sovereign. She is very humble to the sacredness of Life and the power of LOVE…and thus has a very strong self-esteem. She is committed to be her BEST SELF…to stand in her Divine Truth. She reminds us to be gently aware of how we are feeling and behaving in each moment of our life. She reminds us to ask ourself if this is the best we can be. Aware of Her gentle prompting and responding by standing tall, opening our heart and smiling big, we are conditioning our mind to shift to the positive rather than what it typically does which is default on the negative, the fearful, the unloving. Continue to slouch or stand tall? It’s up to us.

Now that you have “raised your vibe” and are more conscious of this moment, you can begin to objectively look at what you are dealing with and open to what you can learn about yourself and life as a result. You can ask yourself “how am I relating to life, to others, to myself in this situation and does it serve me, does is fuel me?” Those most difficult situations in life are our greatest learning opportunities. Quite simply, because they are difficult means we are resisting them in some way–wishing they were different and even angry and hurt at times because they are not. Yet they are our greatest opportunity to practice what we believe…if we believe that “partnering with Life” is the best way to live a good life, that being less egoistic–less judgmental, less critical, more accepting, more compassionate and kind–is more meaningful, then every moment in life is an opportunity to evolve. Continue to slouch or stand tall? It’s up to you.

For example: if life–a situation or a job or a relationship becomes stressful, complicated, confusing, unsatisfying realize this is a signal to take a moment to stand tall, open your heart and smile big. Breathe–and settle into your body. Take another full, smooth breath and now you have a power moment–a moment to reflect upon, become aware of why you are in this situation? Notice the vibe in your body–is it even, smooth, light, uplifting or choppy, uneasy, tense and heavy? Then use this awareness to affirm whether or not you are in your True Self. As a Sovereign you have no choice to answer honestly, and no choice but to do what you need to to honor your Divine Truth. You need to work with the situation as reasonably quickly as possible and change your circumstance so that you generate the LOVE-vibe within and around you…or you will get caught in the downward spiral–that will disconnect you from your True Self and lead to misery. And the misery is contagious. Continue to slouch or stand tall? It’s up to you.

Many think it takes years of therapy to get through their wounded childhood, to heal their pain of LIFe trauma. it takes just a moment.

Let your body help you. For there are more challenges to come and to face them with your heart and respond from the truth of your soul is the only “success” in life there is.

stand tall, open your heart, smile big, and wait a moment…soon you will feel a remarkable vibration flow through your body. and you begin to realize who you truly are. LOVE.

continue to slouch and be closed off or stand tall and open to the universe. it’s up to you.

Q is you. it’s up to you. Q IS YOU. It’s up to You.

LOVE…goodvibes are godvibes…let’em flow