ADDICTED TO UNHAPPINESS–Insanity Part 1

WE ARE ADDICTED TO UNHAPPINESS. HOW DO I KNOW THIS? BECAUSE WE HATE THE PRESENT MOMENT…we treat every moment with such disrespect and are throwing our lives away.
Why? Because WE ARE INSANE.

Think about it. We seem to take this beautiful, mystical experience of “being alive” and instead of paying attention to what’s happening now, we think about all that didn’t happen and all that we hope will. We incessantly focus on what we do and don’t have, instead of feeling the Magic of the Moment. We are distracted and frustrated, caught in a daze of unhappiness. 

We need to understand that the Present Moment is the only place we can feel The Magic–feel the energy of happiness. And if we don’t feel it NOW then when will we? Isn’t this moment, the moment that was just a future moment and soon to be a past moment, therefore isn’t this moment LIFE? Why are we wasting the most priceless thing in Life, LIFE? You have to admit that we all struggle with Life–constantly resisting it and wishing it were different in some way. And we feel so stressed and anxious that you certainly can’t say we love Life. However, I’ll just speak for myself.

I say I want to be happy and yet almost always unhappy. I say I want to be at ease and yet almost always stressed. I say I want to have faith and yet almost always doubting.

”I will be happy when I get such and such, when others do such and such, when the world such and such.” I AM INSANE. I am insane because I choose to be unhappy. I am insane because I think these things I want will make me happy.

I’d like to think I don’t hate the present moment, and LIFE,  but I must because it’s never good enough. It never has enough of “the stuff” I want in it. And I get all frustrated because I just don’t understand why I can’t have “the stuff”…lots of other people seem to have “the stuff” they want and they seem happy. Why can’t I be happy? I have gotten some of “the stuff” I want but I am still unhappy. And why is it I get “stuff” I don’t want…events that are so disappointing and people who don’t do what I want and others who treat me terribly? What am I doing wrong that I can’t get my life to feel good?

Isn’t this the way I felt last year, last week, just a few moments ago…my whole life?

I don’t like the present moment because when I am in it, I have to face how unhappy I am. So I keep myself busy and distracted from the moment by constantly thinking about the past and the future and always trying to figure out how to get “the stuff.” I am afraid that if I fully embrace “being in the moment,” fully accept what is happening and be ok with not having “the stuff” I want, I won’t be motivated to get “the stuff” I want…and I’ll never be happy.

I think I hate the present moment also because it’s too boring. That’s an interesting notion. The present moment is just that, “the present moment”—me sitting here in bed, thinking and typing, breathing and drinking a cup of coffee. Too peaceful. If I pay attention just to the NOW, there is no adrenalin rush of drama—there’s no complaining about “the stuff” I don’t have…and no blaming myself and others for that. I can’t just sit here and “be ok with what is,” can I? There’s no fear, anxiety, and disappointment. And in some perverse way, this emotional drama gives me a sense of direction and purpose–gives me something “to shoot for, challenges me to get the stuff.” Isn’t this how life works–stress, struggle, and strive to get the Life you want, to BE HAPPY? Isn’t this the meaning of Life–to achieve, accomplish, control?

I feel so unhappy. Do I even know what would make me truly happy?

I am not really sure of the answer to this question. All I know is no matter what I think will make me happy, is making me unhappy trying to get it. I have a pattern: I always doubt that I will get it and dissatisfied when I do–there is always something better. I am insane. I am addicted to unhappiness. Wow!

It’s pretty clear that I need to look at this if I truly want to find some happiness in life. When you think about it…what is this thing called “happiness” anyway that we all so desperately seek–and complain about not having? We all agree that it is a feeling, some sort of good feeling. And we all have to admit that we are the only one responsible for how we feel. Yet, it is so hard to think that I can choose to be happy when there is so much in life to be unhappy about…I don’t have “the stuff” I want…how can I be happy?

There are things to be unhappy about in life, that’s for sure. Life is hard. YET, we are unhappy all the time. It is hard to wrap our mind around it, but we need to realize that we create so much unhappiness just because of what we think…because of what we believe, how we choose to see things–the value “we choose” to put on “the stuff.” The truth is, we don’t have to be unhappy about most things. Yet we are because we are trapped in a value system, in a culture and society, that is dysfunctional, very materialistic and conditional. Our happiness is completely tied to material things and to the way we get others to do what we want them to, to meet our expectations. In other words, we thrive on drama–because things never last, and others never do what we want them to…yet we seem to stay in the struggle nonetheless.

This is what we BELIEVE: we can’t really be happy until we finally get…

WE ARE POSITIVELY INSANE!

We are trying to find happiness in the wrong place. And we need to realize that we are pretty entrenched in this negative value system that it will take a lot to liberate ourselves. Yet if we don’t, we will spend Life in unhappiness.

We are awakening. I am beginning to realize that: the only way I will have the life I want is “to want the life I have.” The only way I can be happy in life is to be happy in life. And the only way I can feel this way, is to be willing to take full responsibility for what I choose to think and feel, to take full responsibility for my values and how I choose to live because of them. I need to stop giving my power away into this consumerist, patriarchal world and making “the stuff” and others responsible for my life, for my happiness. In other words, I think what this really means is that I am responsible for where I put my attention and thus how I choose to find meaning in life–is it in my life story, all I have, or it is in my spirituality, that which I can never possess. The meaning of my life is either in”my stuff” and my identity–the ego of who I am–or it is in my relationship with the Divine.

I am the creator of my experience. Owning this feels really empowering actually. If I create unhappiness, then I create happiness as well. I can choose feeling disconnected and victimized or confident and creative.

YET, how do I do this? I am addicted to unhappiness. How do I recover?

So now begins an interesting journey…an exploration of me. I need to look at what I believe.  I need to watch how I think and behave so I can begin to unravel my addiction to unhappiness, unravel my dysfunctional, egoistic beliefs, and open to my spiritual self. Do I believe in happiness–that I deserve happiness? What do I even think happiness is? I am beginning to see that my view of HAPPINESS, is false and all ‘trumped up’ (a bit of a political humor :-))…meaning it isn’t True Happiness–because it is attached to the material and not the spiritual. I have thought that “happiness” was this sense of fulfillment, accomplishment and achievement, being recognized and acknowledged, being able to buy anything and afford to go where I want. Yet, I realize this is the “happiness of my Ego.” It’s called Pride. And it’s rather unfulfilling. I am also realizing that the recognition and acknowledgement I have so desperately sought were so I would feel loved–because I thought I didn’t get enough as a child. Yet being the “good little girl” I have been all my life doesn’t seem to make me feel loved–because some times I got recognition and some times not. And I was never really at peace either way. I don’t think I know what real love is either. The Love I am used to is not LOVE but rather drama/control.

Now I know I have felt TRUE HAPPINESS. I know this because I have felt it in deep meditation. We all know this Truth. I am beginning to understand that True Happiness is a yummy vibration that expands my chest and oozes warmth all over my body. I feel calm, grounded. I feel fully alive and attentive to this moment. I think you could call this “presence.” This seems to happen when I pet an animal, watch a toddler, take in someone’s smile, stare up at the moon, hug a friend, make love. As I allow myself to pay attention to something simple and beautiful, I feel like I just woke up. I feel this connection, I feel peace…I think this is Happiness.

BUT then almost instantly, I start thinking about “the stuff.” I have lost the ease and joy, the sense of feeling safe,dissolving. I am unhappy again. I don’t like the present moment.


SO, how do I become Present, and stay Present, in this Present Moment?

I think the first thing is to check out what I believe–that I can only be happy when I get “the stuff”–when I get the job, relationship, money, and so on, the future will be better. Realizing this is not true–unhappy now means unhappy later–I need to become stone cold sober, step out of my delusional addiction into the present  of this moment and realize the TRUTH ABOUT LIFE. THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW IS THE ONLY MOMENT OF LIFE I HAVE. This is the PRESENT MOMENT of LIFE. This is it. This is all there is to LIFE…there is no past or any future. It is just this moment. It is just NOW. Get my point? And if I truly want to “be happy,” then I need to be happy NOW. And I think the first thing I need to do is be “present” with how unhappy I am. Then I need to decide…

what I am going to do with this moment…be happy or unhappy?

Now, if I could be happy with being unhappy, I would be happier. I know…sounds insane. But that actually rings true…there is ease in accepting how we feel and that is healthy. However, I tend to stay here in my unhappy place way too long. Yet now, admitting this, there is something sort of cool happening. I am beginning to be bored with being unhappy all the time, questioning life all the time, being caught up in all the “drama” of my life, and of the world, all the time. It all has a vibration that is just so heavy, tense and ugly, exhausting. It just isn’t healthy and natural. I know this because when I go hiking in the Sierras for example and experience the beauty of nature I feel so good. I feel powerful, healthy, confident, and so happy. I feel a yummy vibe–that same one in the deep meditation. I feel ME–the ME bigger than my life story me. And I can feel the dramatic 🙂 contrast of how I feel emotionally and energetically when I am back at home, back at work, back in my life. Ugh! Out in nature I am so free, calm, present. Back at home I feel trapped, anxious and restless.

So we have established how unhappy we are because we are incessantly thinking about “the stuff”—what I have, what I don’t have, what others have and don’t have, how others treat me, how they don’t treat me, how they love me, don’t love me, what’s happening in my life, in the world, and should be or shouldn’t be. And we get ourselves so emotionally worked up by these judgmental and righteous thoughts. We get our “drama-hit.” We are trapped in a torturous cycle of obsession with control, with power. It’s an addiction. And as in any addiction, the tragedy is if we can’t find a way to recover from it we will never be happy, will never be able to live our life to the fullest. And as any addition, it is so difficult to give it up.

Yet today’s my day to face it…to look at how unhappy I am and see what happens. Today’s my day to admit I am a dramaholic, addicted to unhappiness and drama. I am consumed by my Ego. I say I want to be happy YET I am always in some version of unhappy…I am always creating some drama in my life. I am always in an unhappy present moment. What the heck?!

I AM INSANE…I choose to be unhappy. Hmmm, strangely enough, there is some relief in admitting this unhappy truth. There is even a tinge of happiness because the Truth always feels good, peaceful (despite what it might stir up.)


facing my addition to unhappiness

So LIFE is as plain and as simple as that. Right this moment, I choose to be either happy or unhappy. I choose to be at ease with what is or not. As I write this, I realize I feel unhappy. And I love to write…its my creative self. Yet, I am weighed down by thoughts and I can’t really tell you what they are…I can just feel that I have had them before, a million times, and they make me depressed. And so, right now before I have even gotten my day started, I am unhappy. And to run away from this heavy feeling, I can see my mind doing its thing of starting to create its “list for the day”–places to go, people to see, things to do, stuff to get…so I can finally be happy. I realize I felt this way waking up yesterday too. I am starting to realize that what I do each day may not be the same but how I feel pretty much does, unhappy. It’s a general sense of dissatisfaction, a mild depression. It goes like this; even though I am sitting here in my cozy bed, safe and warm and having a good cup of coffee, this just isn’t good enough. I should have more. I feel like something is unsettled and I just can’t stop worrying and truly relax or be happy until it is. This morning it seems to be a love issue, yet other days it has been a job issue, a money issue, a friend issue, a house issue…there always seems to be an issue. 🙂

Now of course, there are moments that aren’t very good and of course we want to run away from them. Yet I don’t find any moment good, even the good ones, because I immediately start to find something wrong. And what I need to realize is the future will be just another present moment. I am pretty sure that if I choose to be unhappy in this one now, I probably will choose to be unhappy in the future one too.

I am realizing that there will always be “the stuff” that I don’t have. There will always be something I wish I did or didn’t do. And I churn it over and over in my mind…addicted to negative thinking, resistant to LIFE* and hating myself for not being better, not being more. Is this really how I want to live my life—always wanting, always chasing “the stuff”: always judging and criticizing myself? I need to stop, breathe. Do I ever look for what is good, what is beautiful in this moment? Very rarely. (*LIFE-what’s happening NOW.)

Why do I constantly think about what I don’t have? Why do I constantly think about what could be better at work, in my relationships, in my family, even on my vacation? Why do I constantly think about the future which makes me think about the past? Why do I like to get into the “drama”–talking about things in the news, problems at work, at home? It sounds so weird, but I think it is just so I can stay unhappy–stressed out and striving. What other reason could there be? I could decide to be ok with everything that happens, with what I have, with who I am. Who says I need to stress? Who says I need to get more “stuff?” Who says I need to regret the past and hope for the future? Who says I need to be so “dramatic” about Life?

Ok, I admit that life is hard and nowadays there is a lot to be unhappy about…yet do I want to keep succumbing to this global mental illness—UNHAPPINESS?

As I sit here and contemplate this, it begins to dawn on me how “nonsensical” this is. And I am beginning to wonder about what I am missing right now in this moment, and have in so many moments, because I am distracted by these thoughts that have nothing to do with the reality of this moment. It’s like I have walked into this moment with a “virtual reality” headset on and so I can’t see this moment for real. How ironic–our minds are already creating virtual reality without the real headset. I have distracted myself from LIFE my whole Life. Crap,

So here I am unhappy in the present moment…struggling under the delusion that the future will need to be better to make up for all my unhappiness in the past when in fact I will be unhappy in the future because I will have dragged all this unhappy present with me into this next present moment. Oop, I was right, because here I am in the future moment and I am still unhappy. OMG. I AM INSANE:-)! And then of course, I can make this unhappiness even more dramatic by complaining about being unhappy to others, blah, blah, blah…and now they are unhappy too. And they have their own “stuff” that they are unhappy about. I am beginning to realize how we are all a bunch of depressed, unhappy people.

I get so focused on goals that it almost feels like this moment just gets in the way. And that makes me worried because all the “spiritual gurus” say I should learn to “be in the present moment,” if I want to find the “true meaning of Life, if I want to find peace and happiness, if I want to find bliss.” But I don’t like this moment–because my boyfriend isn’t here, my book isn’t published, I haven’t made the million dollars yet, I don’t have the job I really want, I didn’t get into the yoga program, I am not living where I really want to live, nobody loves me, I am not sure I am doing the right thing….on and on and on.

The sobering truth is that my unhappiness is my unhappiness…it is not something someone did to me, it is not something Life did to me. If I want to be happy and live a life of greater ease and contentment then I have to find a way to accept Life, to LOVE LIFE, to LOVE THE PRESENT MOMENT. I have to realize I cannot control others, nor events, the planet and certainly not the stars. But I can control myself…what I choose to think, what I choose to feel, what I choose to do, about what others are doing and about what is happening. That is all there is. It is up to me to decide to feel happy.

LIFE is what’s happening NOW. LOVE is how I show up to it.


How do I want to live…and love?

So how do I want to LIVE? How do I want to LOVE? How do I show up the best version of myself right NOW? How do I want to create this moment right NOW? I might not be able to control what is happening yet I certainly can control how I respond.Now there may be things about this moment that aren’t good of course, and don’t make me happy, yet, can I find an ease with that, can I be ok with it? Could I possibly find the Beauty in this moment, even the Beauty in what is challenging me right now? I am beginning to realize that this is happiness–finding an ease with LIFE, a flow with LIFE, looking for Beauty rather than focusing on lack, on poor me, on suffering. And when I do this, I am LOVE.

How do I make this moment beautiful, one of ease and LOVE? I have to recover from my addiction. Ugh! I know it will be hard…yet what are my options–a Life of SUFFERING or BEAUTY The good news is I can start right now…I don’t need anyone or anything–just this body, just this breathe and just this moment.

Ok, so I would guess the first thing I could do is look at what is going on…look at what is going on right NOW. What’s my mind doing? It’s wishing this moment was different. What’s my body doing? Sitting and breathing. What’s my mood doing? I am dissatisfied, depressed. What do I wish were different? I am sitting here, breathing, drinking my good cup of coffee…that’s ok. The breath feels good. The coffee tastes good. I feel good. Oh, wait. Now I feel awful. What just happened? I just realized I am missing something. What? Not sure, something, a lot of things, “stuff I want.” And there it is–I have just arrived in my unhappy place. I recognize this place…it’s so familiar. I live here a lot…it’s home. OMG, I gotta move. I realize it is the default perspective of my life. Letting myself really feel this dissatisfaction and disappointment, my head feels heavy, my face droopy, my shoulders rounding forward…I am tired. I look and feel ugly. And all I keep thinking is my life is just not how it is supposed to be. Why can’t I get the things I want? Why did things have to work out the way they did? WOW. I have had these thoughts over a trillion times in my life. Dissatisfaction has become the meaning of my life.

Why do I choose to be here, again and again?

Yeah, I am beginning to get the picture. I am unhappy all the time because my Ego tells me to be. My Ego tries to rationalize, “now wait, some of this stuff you want, money, relationship, good job, is important stuff. Of course you should be unhappy until you get it.” I see now, that it is my Ego’s mission to keep me unhappy, keep me wanting, keep me part of this world consciousness so I help feed the monster of consumerism, the cornerstone of our value-system. We believe our Ego…have for millennial and our social structure revolves around suffering as a result. Dissatisfaction, greed, guilt, competition, aggression, depression, and so on are the emotions of this materialistic belief system–to keep us always wanting and perpetually dissatisfied. The pursuit for more is the meaning of Life for our Ego.

Put in super simple terms, the Ego is a “me-centric” identity and its purpose is to keep me attached to always striving and struggling to get somewhere or get something…to be somebody. Our core belief is that nothing is ever good enough…and most especially, me. And of course, this can never bring ease or happiness…this guilt is what our economy, religion, education, and politics thrive on. And what is so alarming is that this way of seeing my life and the world feels so normal. It is really hard to see life any other way. We all see it that way and we collude each other in seeing it that way because we are so desperate to fit in…even to the point of sacrificing our soul.

I am awakening to realize that I am addicted to unhappiness because that is who I believe I am…it is my identity. From childhood we are all told to be better, to never settle, to get more, to become more. I get it. I AM UNHAPPY ABOUT LIFE BECAUSE I AM UNHAPPY ABOUT ME. And I hate the present moment because I have to be with Me there, and face all the ways I have let others down, let myself down, let God down.

Well you know what…THAT IS JUST ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

It is EGO–the collective Ego, my ego–that is making me feel “less than,” and of course unhappy. What the heck is this Ego-thing anyway? Why, when, did it happen? It seems the Ego is the result of a shift in consciousness that happened way back when. It doesn’t really matter when. It just matters to recognize how this affects us now. The root of this shift into Ego-centric consciousness seems to have been because of some weird fear—and so the masculine suppressed the feminine, suppressed the heart…men relegated feminine vibrations, and of course women, to second place in society and as a result Materialism dominated Spirituality.

This is no small thing because as a result, our spiritual values became constructed on a foundation of mind, ego, material, rather than on one of Heart, of Truth, of LOVE. Therefore, we disconnected from our true selves, from our spiritual energy. Without a consciousness of The Spiritual and having no trust in the Mystery of the Universe, we began to covet and worship the Material, believing the World was all there is, and thus holds the meaning of Life. Therefore we believe we could and should control LIFE.

This way of seeing the world is “suffering itself” because it “pits me against you, me against situations, me against the planet, me against LIFE…and most especially me against God.”

Our Ego convinces us that rather than be connected with each other and with nature, like in a village, and being supportive and making sure everyone has enough, and knowing how to genuinely respect and love each other, and how to collaborate and cooperate socially, we decided to start competing with each other…for everything. Our Ego convinces us that we are lowly human beings and need to constantly repent in order to get God’s love. And we run around the world competing and dominating each other all in the Name of God. OMG, we are insane.

We made Life about competing for self-importance. And this is the core of Egoism–I do not believe I am important, yet if I can compete with and dominate you and win, in the argument, on the job, in the relationship, for money and wealth, then I will be important. Then I will make you respect me and won’t have to feel so weak.The problem is that even when we become “important,” gain each other’s “respect,” we never, ever, feel important or respected. And we thought that by being important, people would want to connect with us. And most especially, that we could feel confident and proud of who we are. Unfortunately, it never seems to work. And because we don’t understand why, we just keep pursuing more.


THE DILEMMA

WE ARE CAUGHT IN A HUGE DILEMMA. And perhaps this puts it too simply but…what we want is the expression and feeling of LOVE–to love and be loved. However, the way our Ego has defined LOVE is completely antithetical to what it really is, antithetical to what we know in our Heart.

We decided to believe that “having more stuff, more stuff than what others have” would make us feel safe and good about ourselves, make us feel happy. We even tied our sense of “personal power” to “the stuff.” and the opinions of others. We look to it for validation of our worth. We look to it for our identity. Most of all, we have placed it above our spiritual integrity. And so ironically, in a System that says we are “free” and should take responsibility for creating our own lives, rather than feel self-empowered, we feel completely victimized–because “the condition” is that the life we create must be in accordance with “the Establishment.” And even more alarming, this System has convinced us of a God that has human qualities and emotions, an Ego, a God we must feel victimized by and work to impress.

Take a moment to boil this down and think about this. Isn’t it absolutely ridiculous that we place our sense of self, our personal value, our sense of trust in life, in the hands and judgements of other people, regardless of who they are?! We have completely cut ourselves off from any true spiritual connection. Brainwashed and thus controlled by this Egoist social order, we have lost all our power to create the life that is our True Happiness. We have lost all understanding of LOVE, we have lost connection with the SPIRIT of who we are.

We are discovering that the material world can never bring peace to our heart…when we get “the stuff” it either falls apart or we simply lose interest because now we want different “stuff.” We can never control LIFE and thinking we could or should is just arrogance of the grandest scale. The belief that the “stuff” and controlling others and the planet will make us valuable, powerful humans and thus happy keeps our Ego alive and fuels “the system,” keeps us living by the social standards of the Patriarchy. Yet we all know where that is headed…the world is suffering, the planet is dying, and we are miserable. Our Soul is completely suppressed.


the present moment just got interesting

I am determined to get a handle on why and how I keep creating this suffering and liberate myself, even if it means I am on my own, alone because I don’t fit in with “the norm.”. I need to take off the blinders, if I want to experience my life differently–if I want to see what it would be like to flow with LIFE rather than resisting it all the time and feeling so unhappy.

I have believed all my life…that a best me, a powerful me, and a me that is happy, is tied to what others think of me and the material wealth I have, “my stuff.” If I have lots of “good stuff,” people will like me and honor and respect me and then I can feel safe and be happy. I have never felt this way. I have always only felt empty. When others don’t like me or I don’t get “the stuff” I want, I have always felt miserable, disappointed, weak and incapable. Therefore, I can only hate the present moment because it is where I have to sit with the reality that I don’t have all “the stuff” I am supposed to have…oh and that of course translates into “I am not good enough.” And now no one is really going to like me, let alone love me. I am alone and scared.

I know, I am insane. But bear with me a moment, there’s an “AHA” trying to poke through I think.

If I believe in “stuff” and yet I am realizing the truth that “stuff” can’t make me happy, and having lived long enough now that I have to accept the Truth that I can’t control things or people and get my way, then what is it that can make me happy? And where can I find it? If the present moment is the “only moment of Life,” then happiness must exist only there. So now the question is how do I find happiness in this moment, in this moment that I don’t like…that is, if I really want to be happy, if I really want a life of ease, a Life in flow with LIFE?

WOW!!! The present moment just became interesting.

I gotta face it. I am insane. How about you? Think about it. I think we all do this. We are all so unhappy with the NOW, thinking we deserve a better life than the one we have right now and that makes all of us feel sad, angry, disappointed and even desperate. I kind of understand why I both loved and hated Echart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. When reading it, I felt good, because I could feel some Truth, which always feels good. Yet I also felt terribly miserable because if I went into the NOW, through meditation, I couldn’t avoid feeling how unhappy I was. I started a practice and struggled through meditations so I could say I was at least “trying to help myself become a happy person,” while in the back of my mind constantly focused on what I would get out of this so that my future would be better. Again, just running away from NOW–and attaching to a goal, the striving for which can only bring me pain.

So I get that my unhappiness is how I am thinking about myself and my life. It makes sense then to change how I am thinking. Sounds easy, yet is super hard. Meditation is a good option, yet it is hard to sit here and “watch the thoughts and try to find the space between the thoughts” and so on. My Ego is just so powerful. It just keeps spewing out thought after thought and these thousands of thoughts are all filled with “what is wrong, what could be better, why didn’t it work, why did that have to happen, why did I do that, and didn’t do that”…on and on–stirring my emotions into a soup of disappointment. So sitting here is torturous and what is so weird, all I want to do is escape into the drama of these thoughts just so I can feel a rush of adrenalin rather than this exhausting pain of dissatisfaction. Ah, the addiction. Yet sitting a bit longer, in some strange way I begin to feel relief too. I think I might be hitting “rock bottom of my addiction to unhappiness” because I am starting to feel just how tired I am. I am beginning to see how I have desperately tried to avoid feeling this depth of unhappiness my whole life…yet now is the moment. I feel so helpless, so alone, so exhausted…I can’t move.

WOW! The PRESENT MOMENT just became even more interesting!

As I sit here, there is something else though besides all this suffering, something new I haven’t felt before…boredom. Hmm, I am really starting to get bored with  my “suffering”, with my dissatisfied outlook on life. I am bored by being stressed all the time. I am bored with all the drama of how our world socially functions…bored with our values. I am actually bored with how we constantly try to control life and each other and the planet so we can feel powerful. Bored with how we sensationalize the news, how we sensationalize our own little lives. Bored with watching the tug-o-war in the patriarchal world of politics, religion and business, bored with the tug-o-war in relationships…everyone looks like children fighting and whining. Bored with the beliefs I have grown up with. With our collective, egoistic way of thinking and behaving, there is no way we can be happy. Instead, we keep believing the same things and behaving in the same dysfunctional ways and thus just keep repeating our suffering scenarios over and over in our lives…all the while complaining. We consciously focus on the negative in Life and then we get mad that our lives don’t get any better, mad that we don’t feel happy. How BORING! We have been doing this for so long, we have become pathetic.

WE ARE INSANE.

We need to understand two very important things: 1. The kind of happiness we seek will NEVER MAKE US HAPPY. And 2. Now that we understand that, we need to understand that we can NEVER CREATE TRUE HAPPINESS WITHIN THIS BROKEN PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM.

I think the “koolaid” is wearing off and I am sobering up to the truth that this Egoistic value system has suppressed our true power, our ability to evolve. We have never grown out of our toddler age, discovering our “me-identity” and attaching our self-worth to what we have and our achievements in life. We take ourselves so seriously, letting our position in life and all “the stuff” that we do or don’t have define us…if I don’t get this or that I am simply just going to be a failure at Life, I am going to be miserable the rest of my life. Isn’t this just insane!? Minimizing the Magic of LIFE to this equation is just embarrassing.

The TRUTH is, this moment is all I have. What I feel right now is all I have. And I am becoming so curious about what it would be like to see life and others, and the planet, from a whole different perspective and value system than this patriarchal, egoistic nonsense. What if there is something else in this present moment that I am missing and could make me feel better, right now? My body and mind are filled with dis-ease…what would it be like to live with greater ease and contentment? What would it be like to live happy? WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO OPEN TO LIFE BEYOND MY LITTLE LIFE? What would it be like to LIVE LOVE? So what does this actually mean?

That the PRESENT MOMENT JUST BECAME EVERYTHING! Can I sit here and find the happiness that is sitting here as well?

So what is happening right now? I am thinking about why I am, and the world is, so unhappy, I would say our unhappiness is because we have no spiritual underpinning. We talk about GOD, The Universe, yet we really don’t have any knowing of the spiritual realm…it is out there somewhere. We have no idea how to relate to it…no relationship with That from which we came. We point to it in religion, and yet our arrogance begins to try to control it, put rules and doctrines around it, and define God in “human” terms–a masculine persona with emotions and judgments (wrathful, merciful, forgiving, loving.) How can we possibly feel intimate with a God like that? It is so interesting what we have done to ourselves. How we have caused ourselves all this pain and suffering–because of what we choose to believe.

In this moment, all I feel is sadness, loneliness, helplessness, worthlessness…pretty weighed down, crushed actually. Rock bottom. I feel like I have nothing to hold on to, no meaning, no happiness, and I feel this the deep anxiety that I will never figure out how to “make my dreams come true,” I will never figure out how to be happy. My body feels so weak. I feel heart-broken that all I thought would bring me happiness won’t. That all I thought I was supposed to accomplish and “get in life”, I probably won’t. Was I on the right track? Have I lived my life as well as I could? Did I not meet the right people, do the right thing? I feel despair, empty. Oh yeah, rock bottom. I hate the present moment.

And yet, as I sit and schlump and cry and surrender into these realizations and feelings, simply because I am just too tired to resist any more, I feel  a bit of relief. I feel some kind of energy. I think I am feeling the life-energy that runs through my body. I am becoming curious. What is this? What am I supposed to be doing with this? How am I supposed to be relating to this? Why do I ignore it—I always know it is there in the background yet never really pay attention to it? Where is it coming from? Where does it go? One day it will be gone from my body, my mind will stop working and my Ego will be dead. Where will this energy go? Where will I go? I am beginning to understand that this energy is something else besides me, besides my Ego, yet is still me. If I focus on it and take big breathes, I notice is seems to expand…basically because I am helping my body relax, expand. As this energy flows a bit more freely, I realize it feels good, smooth, even, easy. I guess I would call it a peaceful vibe. And I am noticing that I am becoming less bored. 🙂 Happy?!

Is this Spirit? Is it my Soul? Is this God? Is it a consciousness I can understand? Is it my higher self? As the energy moves around, I feel the weight of my unhappiness, my negative mood, in contrast. I am getting a glimpse of a different feeling in my body than this achy, heavy one. This spirit-energy makes me feel different, physically and emotionally lighter. I begin to feel I can breathe more easily. Something softer seems to be happening to me. My head stops aching. I can feel my chest relaxing and my heart opening. My body feels more open. I notice that as I pay attention to this lighter vibe, my mood lifts. My thoughts shift to curiosity and I become more imaginative. Emotionally, I start to feel more confident and creative. I feel a different sense of Self right now. Think I’ll sit here and see how long I can keep feeling this.

It’s simply a vibration…yet it’s my vibe…it’s everything, it’s ME!

Feeling this energy and watching my mood, I realize my outlook on Life begins to lighten–feeling less dire, less hopeless, less dramatic. I still feel lost–can’t seem to make sense of my life, yet I am feeling less helpless about it, less alone. Believe it or not, I am feeling less guilty and self-critical. I am beginning to have new ideas that feel fun and exciting. In this moment, I feel more compassionate toward my self and the world…we are all just trying to do our best. I realize that this energy flowing through me is not my Ego. And that this moment, this experience, is the portal to a different way of looking at and living life….

WOW…I think I am beginning to like the PRESENT MOMENT!

I can begin to consider that Life and Happiness are not about what we are doing or accomplishing or how we are being recognized. They are purely this feeling, this present moment feeling that I am connected to something peaceful, mysterious, healthy and good…something LOVING. LIFE is this moment now and LOVE is who I am now. It’s my VIBE. When my VIBE is strong, I am living my purpose–to love and be loved.

We are ego-driven and have deluded ourselves into thinking that “the stuff” will make us happy—make us feel more confident in life and good about ourselves. Yet visiting this present moment, becoming fully conscious of our “self as spirit,” we begin to realize that the peace in our Heart is what True Happiness is. It is a sense of connection with the Divine that gives us our self-confidence and brings us peace. It is a sensation in our body that is both soft and strong–content. It is this yummy vibration flowing through our Heart and makes us feel kind, compassionate, loving…that makes us feel and realize that Life is beautiful and challenging, ultimately good. It’s interesting that this is exactly what we feel when we are in nature.

We have to awake now to realize that the only reason we are unhappy in Life is because we dampen and dismiss this energy in our body. We dismiss ourselves as Spirit. Therefore, we have dismissed the guidance that is most powerful in our lives and our Ego took over. If we keep going down the path of the material world, following patriarchal values, we will struggle forever…there is nothing there that resonates with this sacred energy in our body, nothing there that can fulfill our Soul. This might be disappointing yet we can take comfort in the fact that we have found the root of our unhappiness and now can work with our awareness to change our values and beliefs.

The lesson we are getting as a result of our struggle in the material world is that we have been chasing the wrong “happiness”. And though this feels incredibly hard we must surrender all our dreams into this moment, into this Truth. And we must be willing to do this over and over…because our huge ego will find way to keep triggering us back to our old belief. Yet don’t despair, because as we surrender into our innate vibes of LIFE in this moment, we will be infused and informed by LOVE and will awaken to the understanding of what it is we are destined to create…because our thoughts now originate from Spirit rather than from Ego our dreams will be truly fulfilling and make us happy.

LIFELOVE: Living life to the fullest and from your heart.


SO HOW DO WE LIVE FROM LOVE, from the love that is life itself?

If we want to find some ease and peace in life, to feel happier, we need find a more “spiritual-centered, heart-centered way of living.” It is as plain as that. We need to find the present in the present moment. And this means we need to find the courage to let go of all that we think we know—especially any patriarchal beliefs about right and wrong, religious beliefs about God, social standards about success and sexuality and gender orientation, and so on. We need to stop worshipping the golden idol of money, awaken to the realization that the obsessive economic pursuit of profitability has dampened our integrity, decency and bravery—is killing the planet and our soul. These worldly values we hold so dear have no other effect than driving us away from the sacred essence that we are…they disconnect us from our spiritual power.

To completely let these go, to walk away from this broken system, feels scary and many of us get angry when we think of doing this–we feel confronted and want to defend. Yet this is our only option. We have to start over if what we truly believe in is LOVE. This means really start over.

What this is pointing to is that there is little that we believe and hold as our values in society that is not based in egoism and thus there is little that will help us awaken to our spirituality and bring ease. From this worldly perspective, we know very little about LIFE and LOVE. There is little that helps us live a Life as a creator…rather only as a victim. To be the creator we are endowed to be, we have to be willing to admit that our values and social standards don’t serve us. We also have to be willing to understand that trying to fix this from “inside the system” will not work. It is too far off the path of Divine Truth. Thus we need to be willing to let go of the patriarchal world…we need to be willing to become completely empty in order to be filled with the VIBE of LOVE and allow ourselves to transform. Put simply, we are addicted to Ego and we have to let it go, literally stop thinking in patriarchal ways, and begin to detox.

And we cannot think our way through this. Our mind is insane. We can only feel our way. Our body is sacred.

What we need to understand is that our mind cannot help us with our spiritual awakening. Our mind is a valuable tool yet only a tool to help us navigate life. Whatever we put into it is how it will translate the world and our place in it. Currently, our mind is brainwashed by our Ego, in other words only filled with concepts of the material world. Thus, because we are awakening and looking for more “meaning in life,” it will try to resolve this for us by convincing us that we don’t need to confront our Ego, confront the Patriarchy, “confront the establishment” because it is already changing, becoming more “liberal.” Yet this is only another ruse. For example, look at the most powerful institution in the world, the Roman Catholic Church. It is desperately trying to convince us that it has become more “liberal” by promoting the “Virgin Mary.” The new pope acknowledges how important She is in the conversation, bringing in temperance, balance, to the masculine aspect of the catholic religion. Yet, She is still seen as “virgin,” thus sex is still considered “unholy” and women are still unaccepted as equal to priests–we cannot hold the Body of Christ and yet She held him when they took Jesus from the Cross. The bottom line is Catholicism is still a religion, the ultimate form of prejudice and segregation and egalitarianism—“belong to this tribe not that one.” Nothing about patriarchy, nothing about “religion,” will make us happy. In other words, nothing about competing with each other or dominating Earth will make us happy…only terribly miserable because we are killing our spirit. We need to stop trying to save what is completely broken because of fear and sentimentality. Do we have the courage to let go of our egoistic dreams, of the American Dream, to start ANEW?

So now that we see the truth, that the suffering in the world is a result of the patriarchy, there is no turning back. And there is no going forward to resolve it. Our Hearts are heavy. There is only this moment RIGHT NOW. This is the moment we get to choose. This is the moment we get to change who we are, change our past and thus our future. We need to feel how heavy our Heart is and understand that this sadness is giving us the strength to rise out of our Ego into greater consciousness. The only place Consciousness exists, where our bodies can experience Spirit and our minds can play in possibility and creativity as a result, is in the VOID. And the only place the VOID exists is between each cell in our body and thought in our head. Access to the VOID is in the present moment–through the portal of the peaceful sensations in our body.

WOW..The PRESENT MOMENT rocks!!